Doula Rant- Don't be an A$$hole

Jan 26

00:04
Welcome to doula Tips and Tips. This podcast is a place where we answer one question about doula work, both to support you and to help you support your clients. I'm Kaylee Harrod. I've been supporting families in this perinatal space since my oldest was born, 12, nearly 13 years ago.

00:23
I am a birth and postpartum doula childbirth educator, La Leche League leader and a doula coach. I love guiding and supporting doulas as they work out their doula business. It is a tremendous joy to be trusted in this way.

00:36
Thank you for joining us on this journey. Welcome back to doula Tips and Tips. I am on episode number two of a series about rants. Now this is doula rants, so not ranting about others, ranting about doulas.

00:53
And I know that might be controversial when my whole business is centered around supporting families with doulas and supporting doulas with business. So I understand that it might not make sense that I'm doing this.

01:06
However, I will say that I have some things that I dislike and surprise, surprise, right? I have some things that piss me off that doulas do. And I think that it's hurting the profession and it's hurting our clients, it's hurting pregnant families, that this is such a prevalent issue.

01:25
And so I am going to dig into four of them. And I've already done one. So if you haven't gone back and listened to that, it's about doulas making it all about themselves. Today's rant is about doulas being assholes to people.

01:40
Now pardon my language. I'm not going to pardon my language. I'm a bit of a cursor if you don't already know that about me. doulas can sometimes be jerks. And I mean all people, right? All people are sometimes jerks.

01:55
But in the birth space, I think doulas sometimes do themselves a significant disservice and their clients by being jerks to the rest of the people on the team Now you know that all of my stuff comes with like them massive asterisks all the time like my caveat is this right my caveat Is that today's caveat is what I'm not saying is don't advocate for your clients?

02:20
Yes by all means right if you are dealing with a provider that Requires advocacy because your client is not being listened to they're not being safe. They're not being cared for Yes fight till the death for that client by all means that is not what I'm talking about What I'm talking about is doulas who come in with an attitude of hostility towards everybody but themselves and I was talking actually with a midwife recently about this because I you know, I tend to like I Honestly tend to Assume the best about people like that that is sort of my default like I'm like oh, I'm sure they didn't mean it You know, that's kind of where I mean I grew up in Kansas that's the Midwest in me, right?

03:02
I'm just like, oh, I'm sure that that person is a kind person and they're just having a really crappy day, you know. So I kind of don't want to believe this about doulas. Like, I kind of want to be like, doulas aren't mean, you know, like, that's not who we are.

03:19
We are supportive, encouraging kind people, you know. And this midwife is saying to me like, some doulas come in here like crazy, like really crazy, like some doulas are like act in nuts. And another nurse said to me like, I was asking, you know, what doula rants do you, like, what are things that you don't like about doulas?

03:41
What are things that you like, you wish were not a problem but are a problem? And she was like, honestly, like the hostility that they bring towards nurses and providers in a hospital setting. And I see that, I see it a lot.

03:55
Now, I also have some hospitals in this great city of DC that I am not a fan of as a doula. And so I'm not saying that we need to like the hospital or the provider or the nurse. What I'm saying is we don't need to be hostile towards them, right?

04:15
Now protect your people. Like, again, go back, you know, rewind about two minutes to my caveat of like, advocate the shit out of a situation that is harmful, damaging, traumatizing, you know, racist, etc.

04:33
Yes, please do that. And also, if that is not what's happening, collaborate with the team. Now, when I say that, I mean, if you have an issue with the provider, your client doesn't necessarily need to know that.

04:52
And I know this might be a little bit unpopular of an opinion, right? But I don't think in the midst of the birth, your client should have to worry about the interaction between their provider and their doula.

05:05
What I tend to do is be direct but also kind and not confrontational when I don't need to be, right? Like I mean I will advocate. Like I've had clients whose providers try to do things to them that they did not consent to, right?

05:27
I'll share a little story of what I'm not talking about so that I'm just crystal clear, right? So I had a client, I guess she's, her kid, I was two and a half years old. So I had a client two and a half years ago whose provider really wanted to break her water and the provider was like, we could break your water and my client was like, oh no that's okay, you know.

05:51
And the provider came back, you know, we could break your water, like why don't we break your water? And she's like, no, no, no, I really don't want to. And she was doing a great job. Like she was you know she was advocating she was like no thanks you know this is why i don't want to i appreciate it i'll let you know if i change my mind provider's like okay great provider sat down to do a vaginal exam and got a like um i don't know if you call it a device like a little thing it's a it's an amniote hook which is what they use to break the water but it's a kind that goes onto the fingertip of the provider so typically a hook that breaks the water looks kind of like a long knitting needle like it's like a pretty decent sized i mean in length right so you're not gonna like not notice it and so that's oftentimes what a provider uses so so you know if you're like saying i'd rather not and your provider comes over with this long plastic thing you're gonna be like hmm what is that you know but if your provider puts on gloves and like slips something over one of their fingers you're not gonna notice that so i'm standing right next to my client the provider comes over has the sterile gloves on slips the thing on her finger and almost goes to do a vaginal exam i turn to my client and say client do you want your provider to break your water my client looked at me like i was losing my mind because she knew i knew that she didn't want them the provider glared at me like actually glared at me my client was like no no no no i do not want you to break my water you're not going to break my water are you like aren't we just doing a cervical check and the provider like literally glared at me took the thing off her finger and said i really think you need to break your water and my client was like no i don't want my water broken and she's like okay i'll just check your cervix and then she did a cervical check without the thing on her finger and i'm like dude you know like this is assault you don't do procedures that someone has specifically told you you can't to do and what were you gonna do like check her cervix and then be like oh my gosh your water broke I don't know how that happened what what you know so I am not saying to not do that like I'm sure that provider does not like me didn't like me in the moment right I don't care about being liked that was a scenario where that provider was already not listening to my client right she was already disrespecting her on so many levels so I was not worried about being a cohesive team because I needed to just protect my client to the best of my ability right but in a scenario where I am coming in or doula is coming in with the air of arrogance providers know nothing nurses know nothing and doula's know everything that is unnecessary and harmful and Our clients are better served by collaboration when that is possible.

09:05
We want an environment of safety. In birth we want an environment of high oxytocin. The last thing we want is for our clients to feel like we and their providers are at odds and just fighting but butting heads unless that fighting and butting heads is keeping them safe right?

09:23
Like if unless that is what it is otherwise it this again this is not about us right? It should not be about us and we do not need to be the expert in the room. We can be the support in the room. We can support the hell out of our clients without being combative or assholes to the other people present.

09:47
So that is my second rant. I plan to do two more for this little series but I have more than four on my list. I would love to add your to the list if you have some. I don't want to fill the entire year with rants about due lists right?

10:10
But I do think that it's incredibly problematic when we have newer doulas learning these methods from people in a way that is really really really harmful. So I want you to connect with me at Harrod doula on instagram and tell me what your rants are.

10:32
What is your least favorite thing that doulas do that drives you crazy and you think all doulas need to stop doing? I will not tell your secrets but I might ask your permission to make a podcast episode about it.

10:44
But I would love to hear from you because I love to hear from you anyway but I also specifically would really love to hear about your rants. All right I will see you in the next episode. Thanks for joining us for this episode of the doula Tips and Tits podcast.

11:02
If you learned something today or had an aha moment, we'd love for you to share that on Instagram and tag us at heradoula so we can celebrate alongside you. If you've found this podcast helpful, we would so appreciate you taking a second to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast app.

11:20
That helps other doulas find us as we do this work together. This podcast is intended as educational and entertainment. It is not medical advice or business advice. Please consult your own medical or legal team for your own needs around your health and your business.

11:36
We'll see you again soon.

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Next episode in Doula Rants: Don’t be an A$$hole. There are somethings that are hurting the profession and more importantly our clients. I know people have bad days but gosh sometimes I want to say can you just smile and act nice. Let’s talk about what the difference is between sticking up for you and your client versus being a a$$hole.

Quote from the show:

“Now protect your people. – Now, when I say that, I mean, if you have an issue with the provider, your client doesn't necessarily need to know that. And I know this might be a little bit unpopular of an opinion, right? But I don't think in the midst of the birth, your client should have to worry about the interaction between their provider and their doula. What I tend to do is be direct but also kind and not confrontational when I don't need to be, right? Like I mean I will advocate. Like I've had clients whose providers try to do things to them that they did not consent to, right? ”

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Kaely Daily is produced by Kaely Harrod of Harrod Doula Services

It is sponsored by The Birth Prep Blueprint Childbirth Class

Music by Madirfan: Hidden Place on Pixabay