Doula Rant- Don't Make It About You

Jan 24

00:04
Welcome to doula Tips and Tips. This podcast is a place where we answer one question about doula work, both to support you and to help you support your clients. I'm Kaylee Harrod. I've been supporting families in this perinatal space since my oldest was born, 12, nearly 13 years ago.

00:23
I am a birth and postpartum doula childbirth educator, La Leche League leader and a doula coach. I love guiding and supporting doulas as they work out their doula business. It is a tremendous joy to be trusted in this way.

00:36
Thank you for joining us on this journey. Welcome back to doula Tips and Tips. I am starting a mini series that I'm calling doula Rants that is all about a few things that I think doulas should not do. Now, if you have been around for any length of time, you know that I very firmly believe that we should not all operate exactly the same.

01:02
So I'm not advocating for every doula to be like me or every doula to be like anybody else. What I mean is there are some things that I think no doulas should ever do and I'm seeing doulas do them and it's making me mad because it's not setting people up to understand our profession well.

01:24
It's not setting providers up to think that we are actually helpful and advocating for our clients. It's not setting other doulas up to be respected or taken seriously in the birth space or the postpartum space and it just quite frankly pisses me off.

01:41
So you are going to hear my little vent today and also the reasons why I think it's problematic, right? So I'm only planning to do four of these. If I get on a roll and start to feel like there are other topics, I may just put those on pause and reevaluate later in the year to see if I do in fact want to do more but my plan right now is to do four because I think we are kind of chronically seeing this and it is a problem.

02:12
So today's topic is don't make it about you and what I mean when I say that is a couple different things. Don't make the birth desires about you, don't make the birth experience about you, don't make joining or leaving about you, don't make your abilities, don't compare your abilities with your clients abilities, don't teach from a space of if I can do it so can you right.

02:44
What I have seen is that I have seen people believe that they have to do a certain thing because their doula expects it of them. I feel like I shouldn't have to say why this is so problematic. Like this, this should be obvious, right?

03:06
Like it's clear why it's problematic. Like it's problematic. Why? Because of so many reasons. Like we should not be going into a space and making our clients feel like we only support medicated birth or we only support unmedicated birth.

03:26
And if they decide to have medication, that's not what we do, right? We only support home birth. If that birth needs to be transferred to the hospital, they just lose your support. What even is that?

03:40
Like at what point does a doula feel good about getting up and leaving their client without support? Now, I'm not talking about abuse. I'm not talking about, you know, clients acting crazy. I'm not talking about them asking you to leave.

03:57
Like none of that. What I'm talking about is the doula deciding they don't support that and therefore leaving. Or the doula basically teaching their client that it is so shameful to make that kind of shift that then the client feels obligated to follow the desires of the doula rather than the actual needs and desires that they have during labor.

04:27
So that's kind of one way I see this play out. The other way I've seen this play out is in education. I had a client at one point who was taking a childbirth class from someone else. So when they had signed up with me for being to be their doula, they already had registered for a childbirth class.

04:47
So they didn't take my class. That was fine, you know. But when I first talked to them, one of the things she said to me was I have a lot of anxiety. And so I plan to have an epidural because I know that pain increases my anxiety and so I realize it comes with risks, you know, we had talked through those, we had a whole game plan for it, like we talked about how epiturals don't come with shame, they come with side effects, right?

05:14
So there's no like moral value in having an unmedicated labor, but more so that there are risks involved with medication and so those need to be weighed considered etc. not ignored, you know, and all of that.

05:29
She went to the childbirth class that was just like an express childbirth class, like nothing specific, nothing fancy, you know, just like run -of -the -mill childbirth class and I was like it's gonna be basic but it's fine, you know, like it's okay.

05:44
She came back and said to me that the childbirth instructor had said to the class I've given birth at home unmedicated seven times and if I can do it you can do it. And I was like, what? And she said, you know, I felt like, gosh, I guess unmedicated is the best way.

06:11
But then she was like, at the same time, I was like, I know for a fact, I don't want to have an unmedicated labor. And how do I reconcile that? Like how do I reconcile the fact that now I feel like it's shameful to have an epidural?

06:25
And like, I'm a wimp. You know, if she can do it. I can do it. Like, but also, I know I don't want to do it. And how do I, how do I hold those two things together? Um, thankfully, we were able to like debrief that and have a whole conversation about it and whatnot.

06:42
But that is a problem, guys. Like it is a problem that we think we are the standard. That's what that is. Like that is you projecting your own desires, education, preparation, your own, even your own uterus.

06:57
Right? Like your body gives birth a particular kind of way. And even every birth is a little different sometimes. And so your uterus and someone else's uterus is not the same fricking thing. Right? But doulas, you are not, never have been, never will be the standard for birth.

07:18
Absolutely not. None of us are that. And as soon as we start putting everybody else into a box that looks like us, we are doing no one any favors. Okay. I already warned you that this was a rant. So, so that is what it is.

07:33
The other way that I think we do this is by having a view of birth and postpartum that is very firmly a right and wrong way to do it. Now the caveat here, right? The big fat asterisk in this is that there are some things that are dangerous to do.

07:54
That is not what I'm speaking about. I'm not saying like. put your baby in a crib with a bunch of stuffed animals because all that information about safe sleep in a crib is bullshit, right? I'm not saying that.

08:09
That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is you thinking that everyone has to do what you did because it's the best thing to do. We see this in feeding. We see this in wearing babies. We see this in sleep.

08:25
So much in sleep. We see this in expectations around work and daycare and school and all of that. There are so many fricking pressures on parents as it is. If we cannot take a step back from ourselves and say the way that I did it or the way that I think people should do it is not the only way, not the only correct way, not the only good way, not the only helpful way, right?

08:55
Then we... are doing such a disservice to ourselves honestly, but also to our clients. Because what if that way doesn't work for them? And you have set them up to believe that they are the problem because your method doesn't work.

09:12
And I can't tell you how many times I've worked with families that are like, gosh, this person said this to me and I don't know why I can't get it right. And I'm like, because you don't have that kind of baby.

09:23
Like your kid's temperament is not that other baby's temperament because your family doesn't function like that. And because that's not the only way to do it. Okay. So I'm going to wrap up rant number one.

09:39
But guys, we have to do better. As doulas, we are meeting our clients in their space, in their desires, in their dreams, in their process. And we are supporting that. We are educating them. We are helping them do it safely.

09:58
We're helping them do it well. But well is defined by them. It's defined by them, not us. We're not making them have our good birth and our good postpartum. We are helping them have their own, their own.

10:16
And they should not ever feel judged by us. Not ever. Okay. That is number one. I will be back with a few more of these. I would love to hear what your rants are about doulas, about birth workers. For the sake of this series, we are not talking about other providers.

10:42
We're not talking about anybody except for our own people. Us, right here in the doula world. So hit me up on Instagram at her adoula. Send me your rants. I will not share them with the world. out you.

10:58
But I might have a mini series every quarter like this because there are some significant rants. There's a long list, you know. So connect with me and I will see you in the next episode. Thanks for joining us for this episode of the doula Tips and Tits podcast.

11:19
If you learned something today or had an aha moment, we'd love for you to share that on Instagram and tag us at Heradoula. So we can celebrate alongside you. If you found this podcast helpful, we would so appreciate you taking a second to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast app.

11:37
That helps other doulas find us as we do this work together. This podcast is intended as educational and entertainment. It is not medical advice or business advice. Please consult your own medical or legal team for your own needs around your health and your business.

11:52
We'll see you again soon.

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New mini-series alert!! We are doing four episodes in this mini-series called “Doula Rants”. Today’s topic is don’t make it about you. This is so important in our job of supporting our clients in whatever way they need through their birth journey. I am going to talk about three different ways we need to be aware of our own opinions and advice.

Quote from the show:

“But guys, we have to do better. As doulas, we are meeting our clients in their space, in their desires, in their dreams, in their process. And we are supporting that. We are educating them. We are helping them do it safely. We're helping them do it well. But well is defined by them. It's defined by them, not us. We're not making them have our good birth and our good postpartum. We are helping them have their own, their own. And they should not ever feel judged by us. Not ever. Okay. That is number one. I will be back with a few more of these. I would love to hear what your rants are about doulas, about birth workers. For the sake of this series, we are not talking about other providers. We're not talking about anybody except for our own people. Us, right here in the doula world.”

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Kaely Daily is produced by Kaely Harrod of Harrod Doula Services

It is sponsored by The Birth Prep Blueprint Childbirth Class

Music by Madirfan: Hidden Place on Pixabay