From Babies To Teens, The Messy Middle of Life and Business
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Unknown speaker 00:04
Welcome to Dula Tips and Tits, the podcast where we cut through the noise and get real about what it takes to build a sustainable doula business. I'm Kaylee Harrod. I've been a doula informally for 14 years and full time for seven.
Unknown speaker 00:20
Around here, we don't sugarcoat stuff. We talk autonomy, owning your worth, creating a business that works for you. No fluff, no burnout, just the honest truth on how to be your own best boss. Let's get into today's episode.
Unknown speaker 00:36
Hello and welcome back to Dula Tips and Tits. Today we are talking about the messy middle. For me, that is balancing babies and teenagers. No, I don't have babies, I mean, but I do have teenagers. I have two teens and a preteen, so at the recording of this episode, I'm just before my youngest birthday and her birthday, she's going to turn 12 this year.
Unknown speaker 01:04
Then my middle kiddo turns 14 in two weeks and then my oldest turned 15 in the spring. I'm dealing with two teens and a preteen over here and all of the feelings and thoughts and desires that come with that while also helping clients have babies and helping doulas build their baby businesses.
Unknown speaker 01:26
Part of what I want to talk about a bit is that there's different dynamics now than there used to be in my business. I started first in lactation support and postpartum support back in 2014. When I started, I was doing lactation support that allowed me to bring my kids back.
Unknown speaker 02:00
with me. So when I moved from New Jersey, I had already been doing that lactation and postpartum support for about a year or two at that point. And then I picked it up in DC, right? So I started like, there were support groups that I helped with, there were like, I went to, I went for many years, we went to the Department of Transportation, and did like monthly or quarterly help like lunches for lactation.
Unknown speaker 02:28
My kids were there, like literally, the DOT would be like, oh my gosh, there are kids in the building, they'd get them like coloring books, they would chill in the corner while we did this lactation meeting.
Unknown speaker 02:40
So I mean, that's something that first, they just came with me, you know, part of that was that we homeschooled for a while, part of that was that they were still really little, you know, so my youngest was like, not even in preschool.
Unknown speaker 02:54
And then when I started attending births, obviously when I attended my first birth, I didn't take any kids with me clearly, right? But also I wasn't gone for very long, like it was a relatively quick birth.
Unknown speaker 03:08
I want to say I got home at like three or four in the morning, and I had joined her at like six p.m. So like it wasn't a crazy long time, you know, it was less than 12 hours, which now I'm like, oh, that was nothing.
Unknown speaker 03:19
And I think I stayed postpartum for like two. I mean, I stayed like for a decent amount of time. And so when I started attending more births after that, so I like, you know, got trained shortly after started becoming like an actual an actual doula.
Unknown speaker 03:37
I don't know why I feel like that training gave me legitimacy. But when I attended more births, my family started to kind of figure out what did it look like for me to just like drop everything and leave.
Unknown speaker 03:51
Part of what was really hard in those early days is that I was primarily the homeschool parent. And so I would drop everything. And I was also really anxious about doula work. And so when someone was about to have a baby, I would be like kind of checked out because I would be so anxious about the potential of going and when would it happen and how long would it last and all of these like pieces that I didn't know.
Unknown speaker 04:15
And then I'd also be nervous because I'm like, okay, the kids have to do this stuff, you know, and I sort of was living in a space that was like mentally living in a space that was like, I need to take care of these different things around the house and whatnot.
Unknown speaker 04:29
That has since left me, which I'm grateful for. Like my, my husband is marvelous and has always been an equal partner. Like he's not, he's not a dude that's like, uh, cooking and cleaning is for you, you know, but there still were some like default roles, of course, and there still are default roles, but we were constantly undoing that.
Unknown speaker 04:54
that work, that brainwashing. But part of what I remember is that our youngest especially would be really upset because she didn't have the concept of me being gone and coming back. And so she'd be like, you're gonna leave and you're never coming home.
Unknown speaker 05:14
Like you're gonna be gone forever. No one knows when you're coming back. And so there was this like emotional turmoil for her that was really hard, which meant I didn't really want to like call home in the middle of a birth.
Unknown speaker 05:25
Like if a birth was long and I went to eat lunch, I didn't want to call and check on them because I didn't want her to be mad that I was still gone, you know. There was one time, I think I've probably shared this story before on the podcast, but Worth another share.
Unknown speaker 05:42
There was one time when I was trying to kind of brainstorm like ways to make that easier for her and I at the time was working for an agency and so I had told the agency basically my boundary was if I was at a birth for over 24 hours or I think it was 18 maybe.
Unknown speaker 06:00
I would have a backup come so this was when I was having another episode about this boundary setting, but this is when I was having a really hard time staying at birth for a long time and so after like 1820 hours.
Unknown speaker 06:15
I would ask for backup and they would send a backup. So this particular birth. I was the backup like I went from the beginning as the backup. So, my expectation was at 18 to 20 hours. They would send me a backup.
Unknown speaker 06:31
And then when I got to like 18. I was like hey, I'd like a backup, and they were like, No, because you're already the backup. We don't want to send another person and have it be like a second backup and I was like, I'm sorry what like it was really not good and actually I addressed it with agency owner later that I was like, No, but in the moment, like what are you going to do, you know, like you have to just stay.
Unknown speaker 07:03
I mean, it was not a good situation. But what I had done for my daughter is I wrote out a chart for her. That was like in 24 hours, mommy's going to be back and she could like mark off every hour that passed so that, you know, my husband could help her be like, Hey, only two more hours left, you know, I'm sure you know where this is going.
Unknown speaker 07:26
I didn't get home until about 27 hours. And she was livid. I mean, like this girl was like, you lied. It's all a lie. My husband was just like, why would you make this stupid. sign if you weren't even going to come home.
Unknown speaker 07:43
I was like, I'm so sorry. And of course, until hour 18 or 20, we all thought I was coming home. And then I was like, shoot. I remember texting him, I can't come home. And he was like, what? And I was like, I know they won't send me another backup.
Unknown speaker 07:58
And he was like, what? And I was like, I'm so sorry. And he was like, amorous is gonna be so mad, you know. So like, at the time, she would be so mad, she'd be like, you love your clients more than you love us.
Unknown speaker 08:15
So anyway, that was the beginning of doula work, and her response to me being on call. At this point, still, they're like, a bit bummed, I would say if I like, have to leave unexpectedly, especially if it impacts their plans.
Unknown speaker 08:35
And they certainly like have times where they'll like wake up and be like, Oh, Mommy's gone to someone going to labor, you know, but they also and I still try to do a good job of being like, hey, my client's getting induced, I might be gone when you get back from school or whatever, you know, so that there is some like, built in buffer there.
Unknown speaker 08:55
But part of it right now, I would say is that like, the interaction and closeness with them is very like feast or famine in the teenage years, right? Where they're like, I don't need you. I don't need anything.
Unknown speaker 09:10
Leave me alone. I want to sleep and lay in bed. Or they're like, I have all of these life things to talk to you about. And so the two extremes of that is like, okay, you know, and you never know. And to be fair, they also don't know when those things are going to happen.
Unknown speaker 09:30
And so if I'm gone, there are definitely times that there's been like, lovely, wonderful conversations had that I missed, you know, and there have been times where there's something that like really matters to them that they were really excited for us to all do together.
Unknown speaker 09:47
And then I'm gone and everybody else goes, you know, so there, there are layers there that are similar, but still very different, of course, because I can talk to them a bit more about it, I can reason with them a bit about it.
Unknown speaker 10:01
And there is at least the last time I talked to them about it, there is some space in them that's like, we love that you love what you do. And we love that you do your job so well, and that your business is so successful.
Unknown speaker 10:15
And yeah, like, it means you're gone randomly, but also like, you get to set your own hours and your own life, you know, like you get to have some flexibility. So I do think there is some like respect for it at this point, you know, part of what I think is also a hard balance here is that I like the hormone.
Unknown speaker 10:39
hormones and the things that are a part of the teenage years is, just takes a toll on you, right? Like as a parent, it's hard. And so there are times when, I mean, honestly, very similar to toddler years, when you're like, oh, this outburst is happening right now, like this, this today right now is your time to do this thing and be mad about this and want to talk about it right this minute when I have to leave to go to that birth,
Unknown speaker 11:07
you know? And so part of it is also like, for me, setting boundaries around what does it look like to be able to cancel things and what does it look like to be able to be like, hey, kiddo, you're the one that has to pause and wait, you know, because there's, there is not a perfect formula for that, but certainly there are times where I've said like, hey, I need to reschedule our prenatal visit or like,
Unknown speaker 11:32
you know, we're having a hard family day and I'm going to need to redo reschedule our like time that works. meeting or we're talking or whatever. And so those boundaries, excuse me, I can sit on my side.
Unknown speaker 11:48
But there are also times where I'm like, listen, bud, I got to go see this person, you know. And I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard day, and I'm going to talk to you about it when I get home.
Unknown speaker 11:58
But I have to go to work, you know. And so there is kind of a back and forth there that can be tricky. And I think part of that, part of it also goes back to like, what boundaries do you have in your business?
Unknown speaker 12:13
What boundaries do you have for yourself? And how do you see yourself in this role, right? Like, if you're in this, like, savior role, where you're like, Oh, my clients need me. And without me, they can't survive, then you're never really going to put them second, right?
Unknown speaker 12:29
Like, you're never going to be like, Oh, I need, I need space, or my kid needs space. You're gonna say like, Hey, if I don't go to my client, what would happen to them? And it's like, okay, but I mean, obviously, if they're in labor, you need to go or you need to send somebody, you know.
Unknown speaker 12:46
But if they're not in labor, like, is there a need for you urgent enough that you need to make it an emergency in your life, you know, that you need to be there instead of with your kid, you know. And I realized not all doulas have children.
Unknown speaker 13:01
So like, this can be applied in lots of different ways. But for me, I think it's been really interesting over these last couple years, to recognize the ways that I set myself up to have healthy boundaries, and kind of scaffold the scenarios with my children, right?
Unknown speaker 13:22
From things like, Hey, so and so is getting induced, so I want you to be reminded that that's happening today, you know, all the way to being like, Oh, hey, I just want you to remember, I do have one more baby do this month, like, like just kind of keeping it on their radar, like I I have to teach a class this weekend, so we can't do that thing until Sunday because I teach on Saturdays.
Unknown speaker 13:44
Like that, that's helpful for expectation setting and for like, you know, management of what their desires are and whatnot. And so that I try really hard to do, not only for them, but also for me, also for my partner, my husband, so that we can all kind of be on this space of like, yes, there's this unpredictability, and also like, we all know that baby's coming sometime in the next week, you know?
Unknown speaker 14:13
So like, I have a client in for induction now, and I'm like, yeah, this baby's coming in the next like two days or so. And so whenever that happens, it happens. Do we know exactly when it's gonna happen, exactly when they're gonna need me?
Unknown speaker 14:26
No, we don't. But what we do know is that they are gonna need me in the next couple of days, and then the baby's gonna be here, and then they're not gonna need me. Like that's what we do know, you know?
Unknown speaker 14:37
And that can be enough to be like, okay, by Thursday, I'm definitely going to be done with this birth, you know what I mean? And to just be like, all right, we have an end in sight, you know, and we have then realistic expectations if you're thinking like, oh, Wednesday, we're going to do this thing together.
Unknown speaker 14:57
Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't, you know, because I don't know how fast or slow this baby's coming, you know. So anyway, when I think about the messy middle, I want you to kind of take some time to think about like, what does it look like to kind of apply this to yourself?
Unknown speaker 15:14
I think part of what I try to bring into my coaching or part of what I bring into it in a way that's like really helpful is the context of your own life, you know. Obviously, if you don't have teenagers, I'm not going to be like, okay, how are you managing your teenage emotions?
Unknown speaker 15:29
You know, but if you do, I've been there, done that, you know, like I'm in the throes of it now. So we can commiserate and also I can give you some strategies, you know. But I think the balancing piece is there for everybody.
Unknown speaker 15:43
Whatever your life is, you are balancing something and that has to happen in order for you to have sustainability in this work. And that's our ultimate goal, right? For you to not just do it well, but to stay doing it as long as you want to.
Unknown speaker 15:58
That's ultimately your goal, you know. So, anywho, I am excited for the rest of this fall. You're going to start hearing some announcements about a workshop I have in October. In the meantime, I will see you in the next episode.
Unknown speaker 16:18
Thanks for joining us for this episode of the Dula Tips and Tits podcast. If you learned something today or had an aha moment, we'd love for you to share that on Instagram and tag us at haraadula so we can celebrate alongside you.
Unknown speaker 16:32
If you found this podcast helpful, we would so appreciate you taking a second to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast app. That helps other doulas find us as we do this work together.
Unknown speaker 16:44
This podcast is intended as educational and entertainment. It is not medical advice or business advice. Please consult your own medical or legal team for your own needs around your health and your business.
Unknown speaker 16:56
We'll see you again soon.
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"From babies to teens, the messy middle of life and business" is a concept I know well. In this episode, I dive into the realities of balancing my personal life—raising two teenagers and a preteen—with the demands of supporting new parents and guiding doulas in their careers. In today’s episode I share my personal journey through "the messy middle," offering insights into managing the complexities of family life alongside a thriving business.
Quote from the show:
“For me, the messy middle t is balancing babies and teenagers. No, I don't have babies, I mean, but I do have teenagers. I have two teens and a preteen, so at the recording of this episode, I'm just before my youngest birthday and her birthday, she's going to turn 12 this year. Then my middle kiddo turns 14 in two weeks and then my oldest turned 15 in the spring. I'm dealing with two teens and a preteen over here and all of the feelings and thoughts and desires that come with that while also helping clients have babies and helping doulas build their baby businesses.”
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Doula Tips and Tits is produced by Kaely Harrod of Harrod Doula Services
It is sponsored by The Doula Biz Blueprint Self-Paced Class for Doulas Launching Successful and Sustainable Businesses!
Music by Madirfan: Hidden Place on Pixabay
