How Survival Shaped My Doula Work (and My Coaching)
-
Unknown speaker 00:04
Welcome to Dula Tips and Tits, the podcast where we cut through the noise and get real about what it takes to build a sustainable doula business. I'm Kaylee Harrod. I've been a doula informally for 14 years and full time for seven.
Unknown speaker 00:20
Around here, we don't sugarcoat stuff. We talk autonomy, owning your worth, creating a business that works for you. No fluff, no burnout, just the honest truth on how to be your own best boss. Let's get into today's episode.
Unknown speaker 00:36
Hello and welcome back to Dula Tips and Tits. We are diving into a slightly heavier topic today. We're going to talk a bit about building a doula business as a survivor of sexual assault and trauma. And I don't know that I fully shared this ever on the podcast, but I have a history of abuse and sexual assault in a couple of different layers.
Unknown speaker 01:08
And trauma is something that comes in lots of layers, lots of layers and forms and genres. So I have some layers of trauma that aren't sexual as well. But the sexual assault and abuse piece from my own background is something that has had a big impact on me as I do this work and as I help people navigate their own trauma and wounds, right?
Unknown speaker 01:38
The first thing I want to just acknowledge is that there's oftentimes... Well, okay, so let me start this over. I am born in the mid 80s. And so in my adolescence and college years, so like teens and 20s, definitely there was...
Unknown speaker 02:00
space that was very full of like, did you let that happen to you kind of energy, right? And I think we're getting better at not doing that. But there definitely was a firm like, why were you even at their house kind of blame that came with sexual assault, especially, especially assault that was at first, maybe consensual, and then not, right?
Unknown speaker 02:29
And so there's like, layers there that are really hard, because I think part of the layer, initially, at least for me, was even acknowledging that that's what it was, you know, I remember when my first therapist was like, this is the R word, which I don't know that I can say on a podcast.
Unknown speaker 02:54
This is R-A-P-E. And she was like, that's what this is. And I was like, wait, what? And she was like, yeah, Kaylee, like, that's what this is. And I was like, wait, like, I remember just being like, no, is it though?
Unknown speaker 03:10
Because it doesn't, it's not like the movies. Like, it's not like the, you know, I didn't get like attacked on my way home one night, you know. And she's like, that doesn't make it not this, you know.
Unknown speaker 03:20
And I think the layers that overlap in birth work, especially, are very strong, right? Very significant. And part of it is, I mean, building space for my own healing and like making sure that my own wellbeing is like top priority, and making sure that I allow myself the safety measures that I want to allow myself, you know.
Unknown speaker 03:46
So like, I have on my keys, like, I don't know what the tool is called. But like a tool that you could use it to like break a window or something, if you needed to. But also, you can use it as, you know, if someone is approaching you in a way that they shouldn't be.
Unknown speaker 04:04
And so there are things like that, that like, do I need that tool? Maybe not, you know, hopefully, I won't ever need it. But I do have it. And it makes me feel better to have it, you know. So there's some space to be like, oh, yeah, I do that thing.
Unknown speaker 04:19
Because I do. And that's okay. Like, I'm allowed to have my coping mechanisms, you know. But also, I think the reality that there's so much underlying trauma that can be a part of the pregnancy so much.
Unknown speaker 04:37
Well, yeah, I mean, underlying trauma for sure, but also just dehumanizing that can be a part of the pregnancy and birth process, right? Like the ways that people are treated, not like autonomous humans, you know, like, I think about just like in life, would you walk a to someone and like grab their boob?
Unknown speaker 04:59
No. I mean, it's not legal to do that, right? But in breastfeeding, if someone is trying to feed their baby in the hospital, nurses do that. They walk in, grab a boob, grab a baby, shove it on without literally asking.
Unknown speaker 05:13
Now, that's also not okay, right? Like in my mind, that's assault. That's not something that is okay. Like as a human, I think always asking before you touch another person, especially a person that you don't intimately know matters a lot, you know.
Unknown speaker 05:32
But the reality is that there's also this like underlying trauma and abuse that is keeping someone from having accurate information about stuff, right? So like the withholding of information or the like presentation of information in a way that doesn't.
Unknown speaker 05:56
allow for actual consent is something that is like a big deal to me, right? And I think part of where my own trauma comes into my work is I am very big about being like, hey, client, did you hear what they said?
Unknown speaker 06:16
Are you okay with it? Because so many people, especially if someone's unmedicated, or like kind of in the throes of labor, they'll come in and be like, we're just gonna do this. We're just gonna do that.
Unknown speaker 06:28
We're just gonna, and I'm like, okay, even if that's something that they want, they need to consent to it. So like, I use language, like, let's say I think someone really needs to have a drink of something.
Unknown speaker 06:43
I use language like, I'd like to give you a drink. Do you want water or juice? Do you want water or Gatorade, right? And I'm not saying like, you must drink right this second. But I'm also not saying like, are you thirsty?
Unknown speaker 06:58
You know, in part because I'm like, in the throes of labor, you can't necessarily answer like, are you thirsty? What would you like to drink? Like, if I'm just like, there's water and there's juice, you're like water, that's it, you know, so there's just this like, this minimizing of information, both input and output, right?
Unknown speaker 07:18
But that's different than coming in and being like, I'm just gonna do this, I'm just gonna do that. And I'd say even if someone doesn't say no, you need permission. But what I have seen sometimes is when, like, okay, this scenario that I'm thinking of as a nurse comes in, says, I just need to adjust your baby's monitor.
Unknown speaker 07:42
Client says no. And they do it anyway. And I had one client who the nurse said that client said no, the nurse reached under her belly, which like the monitor was like at the bottom of her belly and the client pushed her hand away like was like no and the nurse kind of looks stunned and I was like she said no to you like and then the nurse was like let me explain why I need to like your baby's heart rate is looking a little funky and I want to make sure that it's accurate and then my client was like okay you can do it.
Unknown speaker 08:16
I'm like it's not that she's being unreasonable right like for one you didn't share at all why you needed to adjust the monitor and for two she specifically said no to you and you did it anyway like that's not okay even if it's something that's needed right like you adjusting the monitor is needed but like have a conversation with her about it explain it and get her consent before you just touch her body without her consent right and there are I mean I would say the secondary trauma of being a witness to things like that is very hard.
Unknown speaker 09:02
I've gotten really good at being like, I heard her say no. Did you hear her say no? Right? Like that kind of language of like, Oh, I heard a no. Do you say no to that? Like you don't want, do you want the doctor to stop?
Unknown speaker 09:16
You know, do you want like giving them voice because the reality is that consent should not require forcefulness, right? Like you saying no to someone should be able to be gentle and still listen to like, even if you say like, no, thank you, or like, no, really quietly, like, that's still a no.
Unknown speaker 09:41
Right? And when I think about having intact people at the end of a birth process, having a buffer of trauma informed care is vital to that. Like, I think the ways that you're treated in the process of birth and pregnancy as well has an impact on the rest of your life.
Unknown speaker 10:05
And it's September right now. It's maternal suicide prevention Awareness Month. Maternal suicide is the leading cause of death in the first year after a person gives birth, you know. And when I think about people who are trauma survivors, who are sexual assault survivors, who have survived other kinds of things in the past, and then potentially have a layer of trauma in the birth space as well.
Unknown speaker 10:35
Of course, those people are at higher risk, right? Like, of course, of course, we are. Naturally, we already have a threshold of trauma that's very high because of the things that have been experienced, you know.
Unknown speaker 10:49
So, so back to the impact of like me healing. as I'm helping other people heal and process, right? I would say the biggest piece of that is having my own support system. Like both doulas who I can kind of vent about birth and like be, you know, irritated about a way a client was treated or whatever, and also firm systems to be like, if I see abuse, this is how I report it.
Unknown speaker 11:19
Like this is what that looks like. There's one hospital in the area right now that I just will never go to again because I experienced abuse there, as did my client. Like it was really bad and I just won't go and that's fine.
Unknown speaker 11:34
I mean, I'm just, I'm never going back and I don't care if anyone tells me that it's like gotten a lot better. No, I'm not going there. So there is like a layer of boundary setting, right? But also continuing to heal my own trauma, my own wounds so that I can.
Unknown speaker 11:53
help and show up in a way that doesn't touch on those wounds as much, right? Like that doesn't have such an impact on me. I also think like, there's a piece of empathy, and, and a different kind of motivation for trauma informed care.
Unknown speaker 12:12
When you're someone who needed trauma informed care and didn't get it, right? And it's kind of like, in doula work, there's a lot I mean, birth work in general, there are a lot of people who start this work because of their own lovely and wonderful birth experience.
Unknown speaker 12:29
And there are people who start this work because of their own traumatic birth experience, to keep that from happening to other people and support other people through that, right? I think both of those are well, the latter is definitely a trauma response, right?
Unknown speaker 12:47
But also, but also, I think your motivation to have trauma informed care and consent is different if you've been a doula who had that taken from you at some point, right? And so it's not that a trauma informed doula who's never experienced sexual assault can't be a great doula.
Unknown speaker 13:11
I mean, oh my gosh, that's absolutely the farthest thing from the truth, right? But I think if you have experienced trauma, and especially like sexual assault, for instance, I think the layer of if you've healed or like are working on healing, there is a layer there that gives you a different kind of empathy and vulnerability, right?
Unknown speaker 13:36
Now, my clients primarily don't know this about me, right? Like, I would say, I don't think any of them know it. Maybe, maybe my clients who have become close friends know it, but not my other clients.
Unknown speaker 13:53
this isn't something that I'm like telling people on a regular basis, you know, I mean, except today on my podcast for the world. But it's not something where I'm like, Oh, yeah, I've also had sexual assault, right?
Unknown speaker 14:06
Same with like anxiety or depression. Like, I don't always say like, Oh, I also have a history of anxiety and depression, you know, but the way I care for them, I've had a number of clients be like, you've experienced this having you and I'm like, I have, that's why this matters to me, you know.
Unknown speaker 14:23
And so there are people who like, who have said like, Oh, you've probably had some kind of birth trauma, haven't you? And I'm like, Yeah, yes, I have like, you, you and your family have been, you know, impacted by racial trauma, bisexual trauma by, and I'm like, yes, yes, we have.
Unknown speaker 14:42
And that's part of why I show up how I show up. And it's part of why trauma therapists recommend me, right? Like, it's, it is a piece that I think is a superpower as much as it is a piece that I wish was not a part of my life, right?
Unknown speaker 15:00
I mean something I sometimes say when folks ask me if I have support experience with stillbirth is that I do have that experience and I also have training in it and I always hope that it will never again be needed while I know that statistically that's not likely, you know?
Unknown speaker 15:18
So it's one of those things that like do I think being a trauma survivor and a sexual assault survivor is something that makes me somehow better being a doula? No. I firmly am against the idea that trauma was needed to grow some kind of skill, you know?
Unknown speaker 15:42
But I think the reality is that I do have that trauma and so then how I use it and how I buffer my life with that knowledge and that experience matters in terms of my doula stuff, right? My doula business.
Unknown speaker 15:59
So I think, I mean I guess my takeaway is if you have your own, do I need a takeaway? Why am I teaching this? Like you're my class of doulas today. I'm like okay, the three main takeaway points that you're taking away from this episode.
Unknown speaker 16:16
One is you can be a kick-ass doula even if you have your own trauma and the trauma can be birth trauma, the trauma can be sexual trauma, the trauma can be abuse, neglect. I've had all those forms in my own life and I am a kick-ass doula, right?
Unknown speaker 16:39
And also like build some buffer for yourself, right? Like just like we teach our clients, like if you feel like you need something and it doesn't seem to make much sense to you, do the thing that you feel like you need, right?
Unknown speaker 16:52
Like it's all as you're not hurting anyone, you can accommodate your own trauma responses as well as supporting your clients. And I think doing both is important, you know, like have some space for your trauma response and also buffer that so that it's, it's being helped in a way that doesn't need to come out with your clients, right?
Unknown speaker 17:16
Like you have then the underlying healing that's happening that's present in the way that you show up. But also, you know, if you want a tool to put on your keys so that you feel better walking to your car at 4am, do that, you know, like absolutely.
Unknown speaker 17:33
Yeah, do it. And then you are honoring your own needs and wants and buffering your own trauma while also helping to have a world filled with less of it in the future. Alright, I will see you in the next Thanks for joining us for this episode of the doula tips and tits podcast.
Unknown speaker 17:56
If you learned something today or had an aha moment, we'd love for you to share that on Instagram and tag us at hara doula so we can celebrate alongside you. If you found this podcast helpful, we would so appreciate you taking a second to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast app that helps other doulas find us as we do this work together.
Unknown speaker 18:17
This podcast is intended as educational and entertainment. It is not medical advice or business advice. Please consult your own medical or legal team for your own needs around your health and your business.
Unknown speaker 18:30
We'll see you again soon.
ASK A QUESTION!!! My plan is to start Friday Q&A (we need a new name, I know!) but first I need your questions! Submit them using the form below:
https://www.harroddoulaservices.com/ask-me-a-question
In this episode, I’m sharing a more personal side of my journey—the reality of being a trauma and sexual assault survivor while building a thriving doula business. Healing and helping can feel like they pull us in opposite directions, but I’ve learned they can also fuel one another in powerful ways. My hope is that this conversation gives you permission to honor your own story while still pursuing the work you love.
Quote from the show:
“You can be a kick-ass doula even if you have your own trauma and the trauma can be birth trauma, the trauma can be sexual trauma, the trauma can be abuse, neglect. I've had all those forms in my own life and I am a kick-ass doula.”
CONNECT with Kaely on TikTok or Instagram
https://www.tiktok.com/@doulacoach
https://www.instagram.com/Harroddoula/
If you like this episode, don't forget to share it to your Instagram stories and tag me @harroddoula
Doula Tips and Tits is produced by Kaely Harrod of Harrod Doula Services
It is sponsored by The Doula Biz Blueprint Self-Paced Class for Doulas Launching Successful and Sustainable Businesses!
Music by Madirfan: Hidden Place on Pixabay
